Does your “No Soliciting” sign get ignored far too often? Do annoying visitors show up on your doorstep unannounced? Are you hoping to claim the title of neighborhood hermit? I have four surefire ways to stop anyone from ringing your bell or knocking on your door anytime soon.
1. The dirty diaper pile
As a mom, I have often been guilty of the lazy diaper disposal. I will change my child’s buns, wrap up the diaper in a shopping bag then haul it out to the porch. And there it stays. I’ll get to it later or my husband takes care of it when he comes home. I’ve even almost been guilty of leaving a dirty diaper bag out with my canned food donations during Scouting for Food. Almost, but not quite. (Sorry if there are any scouts out there who picked up a big old diaper bomb by mistake. I figure that’s what your neckerchief is for.) Imagine the repelling possibilities of just letting all those dirty diapers build up on the porch. It wouldn’t take long for my nearly two-year-old to make a mound no solicitor would dare step over. And in the summer, the stench alone would ensure at least a three house buffer zone. Of course, I’d soon want to move, too. So, on to, ahem, number two.
2. The road kill replica
Since we have already established unpleasant odors might force the occupants out along with the visitors, a real dead animal on your porch simply would not do. But what about a fake one? I’m thinking of starting a company that makes fake road kill. Simply place these babies on your porch and you’re guaranteed a peaceful, knock free evening. Choose from rabid raccoon, squished squirrel, plastered possum or skinned skunk. The possibilities for parties and April Fool’s Day would also be endless.
3. The visitor trap
This would be provided by my eleven-year-old son. He loves ropes, pulleys, alarms, and the like. He will come to your house and build an ingenious system that would automatically drop a net on any one’s head when they unsuspectingly step on your welcome mat. Optional indoor alarms to inform you of your latest victim, er, visitor can be included.
4. The crime scene
Sure, your neighbors may think yellow caution tape and a cleverly drawn chalk outline constitutes an abundance of Halloween spirit during the month of October. But pull out the exact same thing December through August and you’ll have nine full months of never having to answer your door. Ketchup stains next to and inside the chalk outline might buy you another full month.
These are only four of the many ways you could keep pesky people from trying to actually interact with you face-to-face. Feel free to comment and share some of your own tried and true methods of ensuring a knock-free zone.