How I Failed Meditation 101

My church group had a great relaxation activity last night for the adult women. One of the rooms was a meditation area. The cute lady that was in charge set up pillows and blankets for us to lie down on, turned off the lights, put a really cool nebulae light on the ceiling and turned on a guided meditation exercise. I quickly found out I stink at meditation. My thoughts ran amok.
“Breathe in. Watch your abdomen rise.”

How can I watch my abdomen rise? It’s dark. Oh well, I’ve got singer’s breathing down to a science. This shouldn’t be too hard. In, out. Ooooh. In and Out Burger. I haven’t been there for over a year. Sorry, focus.

“Picture yourself as a white screen, in a body shape.”

My body shape could use a little less screen at the hips and a little more screen up top. But alas, oh, shoot, she’s saying something else.

“Take a can of red paint and pour it all over your screen. Feel the red seep into you.”

Seeping red? Red stains are the worst. I have to work extra hard to get them out in the laundry. Eleven-year-old just got ketchup on his brand new cream colored shirt. I hate that. Oh, not too relaxing. Focus.

“Now imagine you just poured a can of yellow paint on your screen, creating any orange shade you would like.”

“Orange, like Effie’s hair?” ” No, orange like a sunset” Boy I loved that movie, and I just reread the book. Who wouldn’t fall in love with Peeta? Pita bread. Mmmm.

“Imagine any orange food you love. Taste it.”

The quintessential orange food would of course be oranges, but I don’t even like oranges. I bet no one else is imagining biting into an orange pepper right now or a carrot. Why am I so weird?

“Now, take the red paint away. Imagine it dripping down your screen.”

Yuck, blood dripping. Oooh, blood. I should wear my vampire costume tomorrow at play practice. After all, those nails they just painted for me are stunningly red. They’ll go great with my costume.

“You are left with only a yellow. Feel the yellow. Smell the yellow.”

Why didn’t I go to the restroom before I came in here? Now all I can think about is urine. All I can smell is urine. Think lemon. Huh. I’m just getting a freshly cleaned toilet smell. Sigh.

“Taste the yellow.”

Nope, not going there.

“Now let green fill your screen, fill your soul. It is the color of your heart’s chakra.”

Shock the Monkey. Hey that’s a good song. Shock therapy, not so good. She-Ra. I loved that show when I was little! Now I just find it slightly disturbing and very cheesy. Oh. Green, chakra, not She-Ra. Right.

“Fill your screen with blue. Imagine it any shade of blue you wish.”

Hawaii ocean blue. Water. Bladder is full. Ignore that. When will I get back to Hawaii? Soon I hope. Sure beats the inversion and cold here. I have some white chocolate macadamia nut cookies at home. That might bring a piece of Hawaii in. Oops. Blue.

“Now, soak your screen in violet leaving you a rich indigo.”

Indigo. Does anyone actually know what color indigo is? Hey, that’s how Fezzik says Inigo Montoya’s name. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Not relaxing.

“Now let the blue drip away leaving you with a violet.”

Isn’t violet just purple? I need to buy some purple shirts for Oozy Lumpa. I wonder when I can get to the store.

“Now count to 5.”



“On one, become aware of your surroundings.”

I was supposed to forget where I was? That’s just creepy.

“On two become aware of your body again.”

The only part of my body I’m aware of right now is my bladder. I wonder how big it can expand before it bursts? Hmm. Let’s not find out.

“On five, slowly get up and keep the feelings you have with you.”

I’d rather not keep the full bladder feeling with me, thank you very much. I’ll meditate my way into a bathroom stall.


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